The Messy Middle:
When Growing Up Isn’t a Straight Line
There’s this murky stretch of time that rarely gets talked about. It lives between childhood and adulthood, somewhere after the teen years begin but long before a person is actually ready to function as an adult. I call it the messy middle. And it’s exactly as chaotic, confusing, and critical as it sounds.
For neurodivergent kids and their families, this period is even messier. It’s the space where the balance of power and responsibility is supposed to shift; where parents begin to hand over the reins and teens start stepping into agency. But here’s the catch: that hand-off often doesn’t happen cleanly. And when it doesn’t happen at all, it can derail everything from college transitions to mental health stability.
As a professor, parent coach, executive function coach, and neurodivergent advocate (not to mention a parent of four neurospicy kids myself), I see this play out every single day - in classrooms, in coaching sessions, in late-night parent texts. The messy middle is real. It’s complicated. And if we don’t talk about it more, we’re going to keep sending unprepared kids into a world that expects them to operate like full-grown adults the second they turn 18.
Let me show you what it looks like.
One Concept, Four Very Different Kids
My oldest daughter is a textbook Type A firstborn - organized, driven, and also very much neurodivergent. She grew up bouncing between two houses, so she learned early how to pack a bag, plan ahead, cook meals, do laundry. Her messy middle wasn’t about mastering life skills. It was about learning to trust herself. And for me? It was about learning to let go.
I wasn’t worried she couldn’t function. But I did need to learn to be her background music instead of her lead vocalist. I needed to be available when she called late at night walking across campus from the PAC on UNH’s Campus to her dorm, scared but independent. I had to stop fixing and start listening. That was our version of the messy middle.
Then came my middle daughter - neurodivergent in her own way, and in high school during COVID. She missed out on sports and jobs but threw herself into theater, learning leadership and logistics as a stage manager. We had already taught her laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, and more. She even toured with a theater group all across the United States during Sophomore year at UMass Boston pivoting to online to keep up.
Her challenge wasn’t competence. It was emotional regulation. Social cues. Navigating the sensory and communication overload of the world. When she faced real trauma while on tour, I spent days on edge, wondering if I should fly across the country and bring her home. That line - of support versus rescue - was razor thin. That was her messy middle. She had to navigate and I had to trust. It was damn near IMPOSSIBLE. As her mother I wanted to swoop in and rescue; as someone who understands this messy middle - it would have been life altering; and not in a good way.
My son, now a junior in college, had the most complicated journey. A neurospicy cocktail of ADHD, sensory challenges, and big emotions meant that I needed to have my hands in everything for a long time. But in high school, he chose a technical program in culinary arts. That changed everything. He learned how to talk to people, prep food, work in a kitchen, be part of a team. Joining the Wrestling team at that same school taught him lessons about accountability, responsibility and ownership of self in ways that paled to what I could ever had taught him.
He still needed guidance though, especially around paperwork and adult logistics. But when he went to college, he leaned into learning about himself - his brain, his needs, his way of functioning. And when an internship fell through this summer, he pivoted and worked as an independent contractor. That was & continues be his messy middle.
And now my youngest is about to turn 12. The plan is simple: laundry, chores, personal organization all begin this year. Because we’ve learned that preparing for the messy middle before it gets messy is the best shot we have.
Why This Middle Matters
Parents of neurodivergent kids often hold on longer. Not out of control, but out of care out of fear. Because they know the risks. They know what happens when their child forgets to eat, gets overwhelmed with decisions, or can’t navigate social nuance. So they manage it all. Thinking hanging onto the role of protector is better than the risk of letting go.
But eventually, the law says our kids are adults. College campuses don’t call parents. Dorm staff don’t give nightly reports. Suddenly, the training wheels are off, the parents are out of the loop, and the student is expected to be a fully autonomous, responsible, emotionally regulated adult.
This is when things break down. Because the shift in agency didn’t happen gradually. And now the kid is flailing. And the parents are panicking. And the professionals - like me - are watching it unfold in classrooms, coaching sessions, and email inboxes across the country.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about reality. When we delay the handoff of responsibility until the child is out of the house, we risk bigger failure down the road. And for neurodivergent kids, that risk is higher, more dangerous, and more deeply felt.
What You Can Do
Start earlier than you think. Middle school is not too young. In fact, it's the sweet spot for beginning the handoff of responsibility. It's when routines can become muscle memory before the emotional turbulence of adolescence hits full force. Teaching things like laundry, meal prep, chore tracking, and calendar management in seventh or eighth grade isn't about being rigid; it's about being realistic. These aren't just life skills. They're regulation tools.
And then there's high school. The messy middle gets louder here. It can be tempting to keep managing it all for them, especially if your child is neurodivergent or has complex needs. But this is the window to practice real life. Let them pack their own lunch. Let them oversleep and deal with the consequences. Let them write the email to the teacher themselves. The goal is not to throw them to the wolves. It's to stand nearby while they wrestle with the hard parts of growing up with you close enough to help, but far enough to let them try.
If you're already knee-deep in the mess? It's not too late. Whether your child is struggling in college, coming home for breaks with mounting anxiety, or floundering in their first job, this transition is still possible. Yes, it's harder without the cushion of proximity or routine, but it's not impossible. The key is to stop doing for and start coaching with.
Here’s how I support families:
1:1 parent coaching for those preparing for or already knee-deep in the messy middle
Executive function coaching for middle school, high school, and college students
A brand-new offering: a monthly support community for parents, launching soon
You don’t have to figure this all out alone. Let’s make the middle a little less messy - together.
If you are interested in parent coaching, executive function coaching for your child / young adult or want to get on our wait list for our monthly parent support community please reach out. This journey is hard and parenting through it didn’t come with a how to guide back when they were newborns and there isn’t one now…. We don’t need to go through it alone.